DO YOU HAVE SUPERHERO ENVY?

Ah, wouldn’t it be nice to have a super power? Those X-Men don’t know how good they’ve got it! Sure they keep crying “poor us” and claiming they’re discriminated against, but come on, is there anything cooler than being a mutant (with the possible exception of being a vampire, but that’s a whole other article)! I mean really, who are they kidding? Imagine being invited to a BBQ at Professor Xavier’s School for the Gifted! It’d go something like this…

You pull up outside the Mansion… sorry, the ‘School’… for the Gifted in your 1987 Mazda with a box of Cadbury Favourites (because the Professor told you not to bring a thing). Professor X’s home is so humungous you instantly start turning green with envy—which is possibly as close to being a mutant as you’ll ever get—before Magneto steps forward to greet you.

“Welcome (insert your name here),” Magneto says, promptly twisting the metal body of your Mazda into the shape of a Maserati.

“Wow!” you gush in awe, dropping your Favourites all over the driveway. “Do I get to keep the car?”

Magneto simply laughs maliciously before transforming your new Maserati into a rusty old Fiat Bambino. “Don’t be ridiculous, I just wanted to tease you before making you feel puny and powerless. Enjoy the party.”

Deflated you head through the house and find the BBQ in full swing in the backyard. Over by the fountain Colossus is using his shiny biceps to chat up the ladies. You feel like strutting over there and saying “You know, girls, he may have buns of steel (literally), but everyone knows tin men don’t have hearts!” But then again, his fists glint in the sunlight, so you think twice about it.

That’s when Jean Grey catches your eye. You stroll on over to talk to her, at which point she simply says, “Walk away, you’re not my type.” Strangely enough you find yourself walking away, mumbling to yourself, “Gee, she’s convincing!”

You try playing celebrity head with Mystique, but she’s no fun because she keeps accidentally morphing into the famous people you’re supposed to guess. Over at the barbie, Cyclops uses too much blaster ray and burns your sausages. And when you try to have a whinge to Nightcrawler that this is the worst party you’ve ever been to, he doesn’t just politely mutter something about mingling with the other guests… no, he teleports away from you!

‘Mutants,’ you think to yourself as you leave the party in your new rust-bucket. ‘Just as well they’re so good at saving the world, because they’re lousy at hosting BBQs!’